


will it ever get better? (it better.)

by constant



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst without plot, Falling Out of Love, M/M, Sad Ending, breaking up, relationship troubles, title is from david levithan's the lover's dictionary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:42:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25163338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/constant/pseuds/constant
Summary: Seungmin lays there and thinks about all the things he has grown apart from - his highschool friends whom he had been constantly turning down because of his busy schedule, his old acoustic guitar collecting dust in the corner of the room, his college dream to travel the world and--and well,Hyunjin.
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin
Comments: 8
Kudos: 33





	will it ever get better? (it better.)

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this months ago and noted it as 'angst without plot'. i swear i tried adding bits of stuff to make it seem like it's plotted but that didnt work so i gave up and decided to leave it as it is lol 
> 
> (maybe when im not out of sorts anymore i can give this a sequel. but dont count on it, thanks!)

The streak of sunrise passing through the bedroom window stirs Seungmin awake. He grunts softly and rolls over on his side, back against the bright morning light. For a moment, everything is okay. It's that fleeting time between being asleep and being consciously awake. It's right after waking up when you have no recollection of who you are or what you do or what day it is. The oblivion. It lasted roughly three seconds. 

And then it hits him. 

As soon as he remembers who he is, or what kind of life he’s leading, the feeling of indifference washes over him again. The same heavy, hollow feeling in his chest that has been pulling him down the abyss. Drowning him. Suffocating him. 

And Seungmin’s _scared_. He’s scared because he can’t fathom what he’s feeling. He doesn’t know what’s causing the emptiness and detachment in him. He has no idea how long it’s gonna have to settle in his heart, how long he’s gonna have to put up with it. 

Seungmin rolls on his back and stares up at the ceiling. He lays there and thinks about all the things he has grown apart from, or the things he is _yet_ to lose - his highschool friends whom he had been constantly turning down because of his busy schedule, his old acoustic guitar collecting dust in the corner of the room, the dying little succulent by the kitchen window that he keeps forgetting to water, his college dream to travel the world and- 

A low grumble snaps him out of his stupor, and Seungmin jerks his head to his right, to the figure under the mess of pillows and sheets. Hyunjin lays on his stomach, snoring lightly, his hair tousled. Seungmin positions himself, so that he is face to face with the other boy, and he stares. He stares, and finishes his interrupted thought: 

-and well, _Hyunjin_. 

Seungmin reaches out to fix the other’s fringe, sweeping it away from his eyes. Hyunjin’s eyelids flutter, but other than that, he doesn’t stir. 

Hyunjin has this sleeping habit of inhaling through his nose and exhaling through his mouth, and Seungmin takes pride in the fact that he’s the only one in the world who knows about it. Not even Hyunjin. He never told him about it. 

It has been Seungmin’s little secret - the only person who knows this part about Hyunjin, the only person who can admire Hyunjin's sleeping figure. But now, it doesn't even feel like it matters anymore. Seungmin used to love observing the way the love of his life sleep, but now he’s not even smiling. 

Seungmin doesn’t think it possible, but the weight in his chest grows heavier. And his thoughts - they are more dreadful than ever. 

When was the last time Seungmin felt a surge of excitement or relief upon seeing Hyunjin’s face? When was the last time Seungmin kissed him? When was the last time Seungmin thanked him for everything - for his efforts, for his time, for his patience? When was the last time Seungmin told Hyunjin that he loves him? 

The questions just keep coming, and for every one of them, Seungmin has his answers in the form of flashbacks. The memories flood him with bittersweet memories - _sweet_ because every moment spent with Hyunjin is, and _bitter_ because Seungmin knows those are all in the past now. He can’t rewind to the time where he felt undeniably happy, high with the feeling of being _in love._

When was the last time Seungmin was convinced that he's in love with Hyunjin? 

That is the last question that comes into his mind before he slowly lifts himself off the bed. There are no flashbacks - no answers - for that one, because in all honesty, Seungmin doesn’t remember. 

_••_

_Home is where the heart is._

The first thing Seungmin sees whenever he walks into the lobby of the agency building are those six stupid letters in cheap decal plastered on the wall behind the reception desk. 

It makes sense, he thinks, for a real estate agency to have that proverb up where clients can see it first thing and produce a good impression. However, clients rarely even visit the agency (save for the ones who come rushing in for complaints and booming clarifications), which leaves Seungmin to think that the saying actually serves as some sort of motivation for the _agents_. 

The normal days at work are tolerable at most, but the worst ones? 

It requires all of Seungmin's strength to act like he has all of his shit together even when everything around him seems to be testing his patience. 

There are these kinds of days: 

Not only did the buyer (which Seungmin was responsible for) cancel after the purchase agreement, but they also left Seungmin to deal with the fuming seller to explain why the buyer had to cancel at the last minute. 

What’s worse is that Seungmin had to make up a believable excuse since the son of a bitch had the guts to ghost his calls and messages. _What’s worse_ is his annoying show-off of a co-worker gloating about the situation in their office, informing almost everyone on the mess that he had to go through. 

What makes Seungmin hate himself aren’t any of the mentioned. It is the fact that he just lost a very good deal, probably the best one he could have had since he began his career, probably the one which had good enough commission to have him well-fed for an entire year. 

Seungmin is like a ticking time bomb on the way home that day, the dejection in him filling to the brim, and he knows it is only a matter of time before he explodes. But he tries to keep his feelings at bay, to suppress the tears that are on the verge of spilling, because the last thing he needs on that shitty day is public humiliation. 

Seungmin tried to keep to himself when he got home, but as soon as he entered through the front door, his feet started taking him towards the little noises in the kitchen. 

There, he sees Hyunjin tending something on the stove, back turned against him. His baby pink apron isn’t tied around him, and he’s humming to the song which Seungmin has been listening to a lot these past few days. Hyunjin has jokingly told him that the song isn’t even that good, a feeble attempt to piss him off. But now he's here, humming the tune behind Seungmin's back anyway.

And that’s where Seungmin breaks. 

He heads straight towards Hyunjin, wrapping his arms around the other’s waist. Hyunjin jumps at the sudden contact, trying to turn around to look at the other, but Seungmin’s grip around him is tight. 

He buries his face on Hyunjin’s shoulder and allows himself to melt into his refuge. 

Hyunjin tenses for a split second, and when Seungmin starts to shake due to his muffled cries, he immediately understands. Hyunjin says nothing as he places his hands around Seungmin’s arms, letting him hold him close and tight. 

_••_

Seungmin can't remember the last time he told Hyunjin that he loves him. If he knew that it was going to be the last time, would he have committed it to memory? Would he have said it differently? 

The thing is, Seungmin only ever says his feelings out loud on special (rare) occasions. Or in circumstances where it is only at his convenience. He says it when he knows Hyunjin couldn't hear him; when he’s asleep, when he has both earphones on, or when they are in a noisy place.

Seungmin may not remember the last time, but he remembers the first. 

It was during their first concert together. That night, Seungmin might have looked at Hyunjin’s direction more than the band they came to watch because he doesn’t know when will be the next time he’ll see Hyunjin this hyped-up and happy. And it makes him happy too. That must have been what drove him to say it. 

As Hyunjin sings along with the crowd at the top of his lungs, Seungmin looks at him and says, "I love you." 

Hyunjin turns to him immediately, and Seungmin begins to panic, thinking that the other must have heard him. 

"What did you say?" 

Seungmin bites back a smile. He pecks Hyunjin on the cheek then says, "Nothing." 

Not saying it out loud frequently doesn't mean his feelings aren't true. 

_  
••  
_

Seungmin reaches the edge of his patience and finally files his resignation letter. Part of him hoped that someone, anybody, _anything_ \- a sign, maybe - would stop him from doing it. 

But nothing comes. 

His boss only stared at him blankly, and after a moment of what looked like his boss trying to figure out if he's serious, he nods. His boss dismisses him, and Seungmin walks away, surprisingly relieved. 

It’s almost nine in the evening when Seungmin steps into the foyer of their little apartment, the faint smell of _doenjang_ paste oozing from the kitchen. He’s beat, both physically and mentally, and there’s nothing else he wants to do but to head straight to bed, the only possible way he can think of to finally get this day over with. 

Seungmin pauses at the living room, where he finds a figure huddled at one end of the couch and the television playing a foreign superhero movie. Seungmin internally debates whether he should just continue his way to the bedroom, or wake the huddled figure up, just as the person stirs and slowly lifts his head, looking at Seungmin’s direction. 

Hyunjin stares at him with swollen eyes and tousled hair that must have been led from his nap, his plump lips tinted a natural cherry, and Seungmin easily brushes the prickling feeling that blooms in his chest. 

“Hey.” Seungmin says flatly, while the other welcomes him with a warm smile. 

“How was work?” 

“The usual.” Seungmin strides to the couch and plants a quick kiss on the other’s head, and before Hyunjin can even wrap his arms around his waist, the former has moved away in haste leaving Hyunjin to drop his raised arms awkwardly to his sides. 

Seungmin notices this but pretends he doesn’t. 

“I made _doenjang jiggae._ ” Hyunjin leaps up from the couch and motions over to the kitchen, oddly cheerful for a person who just woke up. 

“Oh, I already ate before coming home.” 

Hyunjin’s face fell at the statement, and he stares at Seungmin blankly, quietly, and Seungmin finds himself too tired to even try to decipher what his expression implies. He says nothing, only stares at Seungmin with slightly furrowed brows, and Seungmin, despite being dead tired, waits for him to speak up. When his patience has run out, and Hyunjin is still silent, Seungmin finally turns to leave but stops immediately when Hyunjin asks, “Have you read my text?” 

Seungmin frowns immediately because he didn’t like the tone that came out of Hyunjin’s mouth. 

“No.” He answers honestly, staring back at Hyunjin’s unwavering stare. Seungmin can feel his chest boiling, the irritation crawling in his skin, drawing his rational thoughts into something he doesn’t like to get into. 

Is Hyunjin seriously going to make a fuss about text messages at their age? 

Seungmin waits for it to come - the argument, the fuss, the _bomb,_ because from the looks of it, it looks like he has done something to upset him again. 

He has been like that a lot these days - upset, sensitive, anxious, but he never head-on tells him what's wrong. A few hours of cold shoulder and he's back to being the sweet and loving Hyunjin as if nothing has just happened. They never talk about the things that upset them. (And maybe, that's where their problems all start.) 

He expects Hyunjin to burst, to start throwing words that could only make Seungmin's day even worse than it already is, and for some reason, Seungmin kind of wishes he’d just do it. 

Seungmin’s only waiting for the other to make the first move, but instead, Hyunjin only nods, his expression softening slightly. 

"Go rest now." He says hoarsely, and Seungmin catches a glimpse of his glistening eyes before he turns towards the kitchen. 

  
  


Seungmin reaches for his towel and balks when he feels the dampness on the material. 

His most recent thoughts completely forgotten, he tries not to flinch as he wraps the wet towel around his waist before fleeing out of the bathroom, fuming. Hyunjin's not in their bedroom yet, and Seungmin takes that moment to grab a fresh towel to replace the disgusting one he's using and to get dressed. 

"I told him a - _million - times._ " Seungmin mutters to himself in gritted teeth as he dries his hair with the fresh towel, too mad to even bother with the hairdryer in the bathroom. He wants to be right by the doorway when Hyunjin walks into the room, his emotions coming up with creative things for him to be overly dramatic. 

Hyunjin walks into the room a minute later, stopping in his tracks when he sees Seungmin holding the first towel, a very stern expression on his face. 

"What did I tell you about using my towel?" 

Hyunjin avoids his gaze. "I forgot to dry mine earlier.” 

“Oh, so it's okay for me to use the damp ones and you don’t?”

Hyunjin sighs exasperatingly, looking completely exhausted. “Seungmin, are we seriously going to argue about stupid towels?” 

“This _isn’t_ about the towels.” Seungmin counters, his grip on the towel tightening. 

“What is it about then?” 

Seungmin feels his chest raging at Hyunjin’s daring tone. 

“It's about _you_ not listening to a word I say. How many times do I have to tell you that I _can’t - stand-_ ”

“Fine. I’m sorry, okay?”

“See? You won’t even let me finish.” Seungmin throws the towel on the bed, tears brimming in his eyes in anger. He can see that Hyunjin’s shaking too with the way he’s clenching and unclenching his fist. 

_“I’m sorry.”_

“No, you’re not.”

“Seungmin - just drop it, _please._ ” Hyunjin ruffles his hair in frustration, keeping his gaze on the floor. His voice is shaking, and for a moment, Seungmin feels his heart wavering. He knows he’s done it. He failed to stop himself from breaking, and now he dragged Hyunjin in his mess too. He’s gonna say it now, all the things that had been bothering him. 

Hyunjin tends to be the one who always compromises, always the one who understands, the one who fixes things before they’re even broken. And if Seungmin’s to be honest, he’s getting tired of it. He wants Hyunjin to speak up. He wants Hyunjin to yell at him, to tell him that he’d been an awful boyfriend who only cares about himself. 

Is it wrong that Seungmin just wants to see Hyunjin _break_? 

And this time, he’s sure. He’s getting it now, and Seungmin waits nervously, but he tries not to show it. Raindrops suddenly come tapping on the rooftop, drowning the tense silence between them. Hyunjin finally picks his gaze from the floor and gazes right into Seungmin’s eyes. 

Only seconds before, Seungmin was sure, but now he can’t even recognize the look in his lover’s eyes and he realizes that this frightens him more than ever. 

Suddenly, Hyunjin moves, heading straight to the bed and grabbing for his pillows and duvet. 

“What are you doing?” Seungmin asks sternly, watching as Hyunjin scoops the pillows in his arms, face completely blank. 

“I’m sleeping on the couch. I don’t think I can stand a minute being in the same room as you.”

Seungmin can only watch as Hyunjin heads to the door, leaving him broken, and _angry_ , but this time, it is mostly with himself. 

“Why don’t you just _leave_?” 

No. That wasn’t meant to be said out loud. That wasn’t meant to be said _at all_ . Seungmin doesn’t like to lose, and perhaps that is why Hyunjin had always been the one to give way. He _hates_ it, really, how he can’t just seem to shut this stupid mouth of his, letting it be in control under his pride and raging emotions. 

Hyunjin freezes in his tracks and Seungmin sees the way his shoulders tense. 

No. Seungmin wants to take it back, to say that he doesn’t mean it, to say that he’s sorry, but pride is a funny thing, and Seungmin has never met anyone who is as selfish as himself so he can only stand there and wish that Hyunjin would say no. 

_Baby, please say no._

But it’s too late, Seungmin knows this, even before Hyunjin opens his mouth. 

“I will." He says, "In the morning.” 

Seungmin cries himself to sleep that night, trying not to think too much about the space on the bed. He falls asleep clutching his phone tightly in his hand, and he regrets deeply for not reading the text earlier. 

> _From: hyunjinnie <3 19:21 _
> 
> _Minnieeee will u be out late tonight? I made doenjang jiggae,, i remember u saying about craving for it last wk .. i’ll wait up for u so we can eat it together!! Love you !!!_

The question flashes in his mind once again, making him feel worse than ever: When was the last time Seungmin was convinced that he's still in love with Hyunjin? 

The pain in his chest right now should say something. 

_••_

Seungmin wakes up the next morning, mind groggy from the lack of rest. For a moment, everything is okay. It's that fleeting time between being asleep and being consciously awake. It's right after waking up when you have no recollection of who you are or what you do or what day it is. The oblivion. 

He sits up, his hand sliding over the space beside him on the bed. 

It's cold. Empty. 

And then it hits him.

It doesn't take a minute for him to scan the entire apartment; the living room, the kitchen, the bathroom, the closet. 

Everything is half empty and he doesn't think anything can hurt more than the look of the apartment stripped off like this. 

Hyunjin is gone. 

While Seungmin has been too busy losing himself, he failed to notice that Hyunjin has been dealing a lot with himself too. 

Why is it so easy for him to pack up and leave but found it so hard to speak about the things that troubled him? 

Is it _Seungmin_? Is he the problem? Did he not think that Seungmin is capable of understanding him and helping him out with his problems? Did he not trust him? 

If that's not the case, then it must be because of Seungmin's selfishness and pride. If he were in Hyunjin's shoes, he would walk out the door too. 

Seungmin sinks to the floor, laughing mirthlessly in disbelief. 

How did even the two of them end up together? They seem like the worst match to have ever come together. 

Seungmin shakes his head; he doesn't remember. He doesn't _want_ to remember. 

The memories come rushing back at him and it pins him down on the floor. It takes a whole moment for him to realize that he's crying, calling out for the name which holds so much meaning but also feels empty at the same time. 

_Home is where the heart is._

But was it even there in the first place?


End file.
